The Joke's On Me

Damn Near 40. It is a favorite family joke, a slight grammatical error, and a startling revelation.

My Sweet Mama has been telling my sister and me that we are Damn Near 40 for at least 10 years now. It has become sort of a running joke, and I suppose I should thank God that it still has a few more years of relevance, but they are slipping by quickly. I guess you can still be Damn Near 40 for a while even when you're on the other side of that hill, so don't worry, Amy, we're still safe. Yes, for a long time Damn Near 40 was a joke, but now it is a reality.  I woke up one day and BAM!  I was Damn Near 40. How did that happen??? Guess the joke's on me.  Good thing I come from people who know how to laugh at themselves.

My Sweet Mama has contributed many of our running family jokes over the years, so hopefully her wonderful sense of humor will prevail and she won't slap me when she reads this.  Just kiddin', she wouldn't slap me. Probably. She is the Sweetest Mama on Earth. Usually. And boy, does she got jokes. Just ask her how big Scarlet O'Hara's waist is. Or better yet, ask my Dear Sister, Amy.  An occasion once presented itself whereupon Amy and our Sweet Mama were discussing a necklace that Amy was wearing.  The size of the necklace happened to be 18".  "YOUR NECK IS THE SAME SIZE AS SCARLET O'HARA'S WAIST!" proclaimed My Sweet Mama.  (In case you haven't noticed, sensitivity has never been a strong point, or even a desirable trait, in our family.  We just tell it like it is, even when we're wrong.)  Now, of course Amy's neck is not the same size as Scarlet O'Hara's waist, and I think Mama's intention was to show off her movie knowledge rather than tell Amy her neck was fat, but there it was.  I don't know who in their right mind would want an 18" waist, anyways.  You can't fit much cheeseburger inside an 18" waist.  Poor Scarlet O'Hara. And poor Amy, Mama done told her she got a fat neck and she's Damn Near 40!  Oh, does Mama got jokes!

Another running joke in our family involves what is known as The Duree Fit.  The name comes from my mama's side of the family, and she is a master of The Duree Fit. My sister and I are worthy apprentices, but Mama is definitely the Master. The Duree Fit normally occurs around 4:00 in the afternoon.  There is usually cooking or some other domestic chore involved. More often than not, cussing occurs.  Sometimes loud objects land on the floor.  Most of the time, little doggies run out the doggie door, ears pinned back, terror in their eyes, searching for the safety of the backyard. In the case of 2/3's of The Duree Fit throwers in our family, husbands cringe and cover their ears. The Duree Fit is a sight to behold, and usually when I am not the one throwing the Duree Fit, it makes me laugh, but not out loud out of concern for my own safety.

Sometimes the Duree Fit is a bit delayed. On a recent lake trip, My Sweet Mama was getting ready to cook dinner when The Duree Fit started building.  She was having trouble lighting the grill and Dear Ol' Dad was across the way, visiting with a group of fellow campers.  "Go tell your Father it's 4:00!!" said Mama.  Chuckling under my breath so she wouldn't hear me, I walked over to where Dad was.  "Mom said to tell you it's 4:00."  He knew immediately what it meant.  An older lady who was present looked baffledly at her watch and then back at me. "Why, it's not 4:00!  It's a quarter of 6!" she exclaimed.  Looked at me like I'd lost my damned mind.  Some people just don't get it.  I am lucky and blessed beyond measure to be one of the few who does.  I am Damn Near 40. And it is the best time of my life.